Snapped

Bet you thought I wasn't going to blog about anything, did ya? You're sitting over there in Ireland, with all those gorgeous, sexy, Irishmen, drinking all that sexy, dark beer, stewing because I told you I was going to blog, but I clearly haven't.

OH YEAH?!? WELL, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, MISSY, THAT I WAS BUSY GETTING MY CLOROX ON, THANKYOUVERYMUCH!

So, anyway. On with the show!

The Shinto salt must've worked because it's status quo as usual with no angst or stress from next door. I mean, it's been pretty quiet since The Great Tree Felling of 'ween '14 but, hey, you can never be too careful. At some point, her bitchy conscience is going to override her guilty conscience and BAM! All HOA Hell will break loose again. So, I feel that the salt is just extra insurance. Granted, I probably just sprinkled some Morton's that some little Japanese guy poured into a bag, labeled $3, as he giggled about gullible haole tourists.

Worth. Every. Penny.

Anyway. Saturday started off with us taking the kids to see a movie at the Movie Tavern... for breakfast. The movie (Inside Out) was very cute (I cried, dang it. ALL THE PARENTAL EMOTIONS!!!!). The breakfast? Meh. I didn't know you could screw up eggs benedict that badly. But, hey. Time with the kids was worth it. Plus? We took this picture of Jarrod in the lobby:

Bless his dorky heart.

Last night, we headed over to a birthday party while Mom watched the kids. Our friend Brett (ghost hunting friend) turned 32 and had a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles party. And we all geeked out talking about Star Wars/Star Trek/Firefly/Dune/Disney/video games. Basically, just mention ANY nerdy subject and we ranted and raved about it for four hours. Good times!

(Birthday boy is not, I repeat, NOT in this picture. Because he was off talking to other people. Sucka.)

Today has been a day full of me whining. See, Amelia has this strange, awful, red, itchy rash on her bottom. It's not diaper rash or anything like that. I can't tell what it is. And, of course, it flares up over the weekend. (Sigh.) So, first course of business Monday morning is a trip to the pediatrician. Which meant doing Monday's housework today. Which meant, no Sunday for Mama. Anyway, I cleaned bathrooms, stripped beds, and folded mounds of laundry, all while watching a "Snapped" marathon on the Oxygen channel. You see where this is going, right? Women murdering their men. Me doing housework on a Sunday.

Yep, really bad combo.

On a lighter note, since getting rid of the bird feeder (ALL THE CARDINALS CAN SUCK IT!!), I felt like I needed to feed SOMETHING. Squirrels!!!!

Me and St. Francis are doing a bang-up job! Now, if I could just train him to crap on Janice's front stoop... (the squirrel, not St. Francis, although watching a Catholic saint take a dump on her stoop would be hi-larious)

Slán, ya'll!

Coming Home

I have no clue if you're asleep, on your way to the airport, at the airport, hanging out at the pub, buying up every sweater in town, or where you are. Right now, it's 8:46PM and I'm in my office. I reek of tuna (thanks, Andy) and just finished an episode of "Deadliest Catch" (and now I want crab with melted butter). It's going to be 54-degrees tonight (screw Celsius - I'm old and set in my ways) and today was utterly glorious.

I actually managed to get all three kids on the front stoop, reading, for 30 solid minutes. They're gung-ho to get a free Barnes & Noble book. I'm re-reading a book from a favorite series (The Land of the Painted Caves from Jean Auel's "Earth's Children" series) and it was so amazingly peaceful to have my three munchkins reading with me. Summer? Is going to be AWESOME!!! I just need to keep the iPads hidden.

Speaking of awesome, you have to watch this video. Remember the song "The Final Countdown?" It was a song from the band Europe. Big in the 1980s. Well, picture it being played on banjos. Absolutely glorious. Here it is.

Be safe coming home and I'll see you soon!

Slán, ya'll!

Ankles, Egypt, and Books, OH MY!

So, I had an across-the-lawn conference with Randall and he told me about Rachel's ankle.

Dude.

I told him to let me know if I need to let the dogs out on Friday, if I need to pick you up on Friday, if I need to hold anybody's hand on Friday, just let me know! So, just let me know, OK? Regardless, I'll be delivering some chocolate cupcakes on Friday because those help bones to knit, tendons and ligaments to heal, and cures jet lag. I know this because I'm science-y and I said so.

I went to the school this morning and gave my annual presentation to Mrs. Denney's class about Egypt. I just love her. She's one of those teachers I just want to fold up and keep in my pocket because she's so sweet and joyful and happy about most everything. And then, when I left the school, this blonde woman in the parking lot said, "Hi, Heather!" Honestly, I didn't recognize her and I said hello back and then she said, "What are you doing here?" And I just looked at her for a moment, trying to figure out who this was. Then, it dawned on me. My trainer! From LA Fitness! And then she said, "I'm just surprised to see you here!"

Really?

Really.

Because, girlfriend, this is the first time I've EVER seen YOU here and I'm here every. damned. week. Sometimes twice a week. Sometimes, like this week, four times a week.

Ahem.

I came home and had a damned Diet Pepsi after that just to calm down.

After school, I carted the kids off to Barnes & Noble (because I'm a selfish bitch and instead of checking out books, we just buy them and read them and keep them like the First World assholes we are) for summer reading stock. B&N has a kids' summer reading program; read eight books and we give you one for free! I asked if they had something similar for adults. I may have been ushered out of the store a bit hastily after that. Anyway, the kids are all fired up about reading now, which should last about five days. By the second week of June, they will be over it. I may ship them over to your house.

Make sure you keep me posted about Friday. I'm here if you need me!

Slán, ya'll!

Tuesday. Meh.

Everyone always freaks out about Monday. OHMYGODIT'SMONDAYSOMEBODYKILLME!!!!!! It's this ridiculous run-on sentence of lamenting and woe and I'm just frakking sick and tired of it. Maybe, if alla youse jackasses hadn't been up late on Sunday, acting like it was Friday or Saturday, you wouldn't be so tired and out of it, amiright?

Which is why I'm convinced that the worst day of the week isn't Monday, but rather Tuesday. See, it's still the beginning of the week, you now have TWO days of not-much-sleep under your belt, and there's still a lot of homework/housework/workwork to be done. The only good Tuesday is an eating-out Tuesday, and even then, it's marginally better. But only marginally.

Yet again, I helped out Mrs. V this morning and I ended up sobbing, alone, in her classroom as I put together the kids' art books. The final project is a self-portrait done by each child and then notes from the other children about said child. So, of course, I read what the other kids had to say about Heath and Amelia. Then?!? I went and looked at what Heath and Amelia had to say about the other kids. Bawling, I tell you. I was already snotted up from this cold, but I just let the tears flow. Why can't they be this sweet and wonderful always? *Sigh* I think third grade has been my favorite. They're grown up enough that I can reason with them but they're still young and so very awesome.

I'm going to be on another paranormal podcast next Tuesday. Yeah, this is getting out of hand. Me, nattering on for an hour while all of three people listen and tune in. We'll see.

Jarrod has been obsessed with the song "Eye of the Tiger" (don't know HOW he found it) and has watched videos on YouTube of "Rocky" clips set to the song. Now? He wants to watch "Rocky." I told him fine, but absolutely NO boxing. EVER! He acted disappointed. I swear, if that child ends up in a fight ring, I quit.

So, to end our ritual blog connection, I give you today's picture of Andy. All roar and no bite.

Slán, ya'll!

Of Lost Teeth, Gardenias, and Baklava

I went to the Greek festival and ate so much that my sides hurt. Keftedes, dolmades, tyropita, spanikopita, loukoumades, and on and on and on.

Holy. Crap.

I didn't take a picture of the food because I was too busy stuffing it in my pie hole. Or, in this case, my baklava hole. Now, at home, I have a bag of koulourakia and I swear by all that is holy that if anyone touches that bag besides me, there will be blood.

Yep. I loves me some Greek food.

After the Greek festival, Mom and I sat on my front porch for two hours and had a good visit. It was just.. nice. And weird. I can't figure her out. Hell, I can't figure me out. But it was extremely nice and it even stormed at one point which totally made my day. Oh, and? Best part of that afternoon talk? As it started to rain, I heard a cat yowling somewhere from your house. So, I yowled back. Twice. Then, noticed Randy standing out on the stoop looking at me like I was nuts. Which is how he always looks at me. I think he may officially be in the "Heather is a damned lunatic and she needs to stay off our damned lawn" camp.

I woke up this morning (Monday morning - it's now Monday night) with an even worse cough than when I had pneumonia. So, I'm going back to the doctor just so I can get a cough suppressant because this is batshit crazy, yo. Even with that cough, the day started off pretty great because my new gardenia bushes are blooming like CRAZY and I could smell them as I sat on the front stoop and drank my coffee. You really need to come over one morning and hang out and snort some gardenia essence. It's totally trippindicular.

And, I'll leave you with this picture of Jarrod. Another tooth is gone. Between that one and Amelia, there have been five tooth fairy payouts in as many weeks. We're going to need those payouts to pay for dentures.

Slán, ya'll!

Greek Food and Rain... Perfect Day!

Saturday started off with a frenzy of making beds, laundry folding, blah, blah, the usual. I've discovered that Saturdays are no different from Mondays and Wednesdays and other days. Finally, at 11, Tyler took the kids to swim lessons while I headed to Kroger for cookie cake and balloons. It was party time at the bowling alley!

In years past, I've emailed everyone in the kids' classes for the party, sweated over the parents who would never respond, called the venue to tell them, "Ten people will be there," only to have three or so mothers call at the last minute to say they would be there. After ten years, I'm finally done with that nonsense. I only invited Paige, Bella, Chase, and Jarrod's class friend TJ. We had two lanes, seven kids, and it was awesome. I'm on the "smaller is better" bandwagon from now on!

We came home and chilled out until 7PM, which is when we walked over to Kim's and Mark's house (aka Paige's and Bella's house) and had an evening of drinks/appetizers with Kim and Mark, Sheryl and Dharmesh, and Melissa and David. And HOLY CRAP! David can talk! Like, whole conversations and stuff! The kids all played outside with flashlights, Will sneaked through the woods and scared the pants off them (the screaming was hilarious) and McKenna drove them around in David's and Melissa's new golf cart. Finally, we realized it was 11 and all the kids needed to go to bed (read: Amelia was in hysterics over the most ridiculous infraction and everyone was bickering except Heath who was drunk on fatigue and smiling like a loon.) The evening was just about perfect. Would have been better with you there. *Sigh*

Now, it's Sunday morning. The Logo channel is having a "Facts of Life" marathon. BLAIR! NATALIE! JO! TOOTIE!!!!! LIFE LESSONS GALORE! and I've been out on the front porch, enjoying my flowers. My gardenias are blooming and when the breeze hits them just right, the whole front of the house smells amazeballs. You'll need to come over when you get back and shove your nose in those puppies because it's too awesome for words! Mom is coming over and then we're off to the Marietta Greek Festival where we will stuff our faces and eat and gorge and then rub our bellies and groan in pain. The pain will be completely worth it.

Can you believe it? Andy received fan mail this week. One of my West Virginia friends who ordered a book sent him a bag of cat treats. His head is now bigger than Montana and he's become difficult to live with. You may have to come over and have a talk with him because he's just unbearable.

Well, I've got to go. It's the "Facts of Life" episode when Blair's sister (being played by Marsha Brady) decides to become a nun. EXCITEMENT!!!!

Slán, ya'll!

Sick. And Tired.

Yep. Amelia is still sick. Took her to the doctor today and the pediatrician said, "Lungs are clear. Bring her back on Wednesday if she still has a fever." Meanwhile, I'm screaming in my head...

I KNOW SHE'S GOING TO HAVE A FEVER ALL THE WAY THROUGH WEDNESDAY! SO MY DAUGHTER IS GOING TO MISS FOUR DAYS OF SCHOOL BECAUSE WE NEED TO WAIT AND SEE! IMMA WAIT AND SEE ALL UP IN HUR IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME SOME 'CILLIN!

Sweet Brown is my spirit animal, y'hear?

I suppose Chicago is cold. I found out that DirecTV has BBC World News 24/7 on channel 346. So, Fox News has been unceremoniously dumped (SUCK ON THAT, ELISABETH HASSELBECK!). As part of the BBC World News broadcast, they give world-wide weather reports. In Celsius. Except for us poor, backwater Yanks, and they give us Celsius and then Fahrenheit. Because we're pitiful. And Jimmy Carter sucks. But that's another story for another day.

I've decided that I need to make the Celsius transition therefore, I'm here to inform you that it's 9-degrees C in Chicago tonight.

This transition is gonna suck. (PS Woodstock is 16-degrees C right now.)

We haven't gone to see the great-niece, yet. Have no idea when we'll be able to go. Have I mentioned that having three kids who regularly catch whatever bubonic plague is going around is a real style-cramper?

Anyway, it's a little after 9PM. Enjoy being on God's Time (as my western-Kentucky friend Claire used to call Central Time) and talk at you tomorrow!

DA BEARS, YA'LL!!!!

Side note: I'm pretty sure the kid in this video is still a virgin.